my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear