I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this