Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My daily affirmation
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor