“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.