I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Great Canadian literature.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Feels like the fourth month in January
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.