No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”