Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?