I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
You Might Also Like
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]