Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
You Might Also Like
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.