I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.