I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
You wish you had this many chins.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!