Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
HOW DARE YOU
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple