The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Jogging
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
me as a parent
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.