i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
You Might Also Like
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”