I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
courtroom exchange of the day
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.