This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.