“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…