I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve