5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey