Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.