Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You Might Also Like
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
A drum solo but on your face.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd