Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.