Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The only equipped I am is ill.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!