When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
You Might Also Like
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.