Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough