Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me irl
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.