R.I.P.
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.