Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.