me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions