worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.