[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
What is going on? 😅
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
every single time
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.