First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The Sun
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*