If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away