what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day