Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..