Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
what’s more important?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
2022: I can fix it
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does