My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
October already? What’s next? November????
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them