Me My dog
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Quadruple digit IQ