cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
🤣😈🤣
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.