I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun