*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Netflix: We have Less
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
White parent Vs Arab parents
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”