I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
man i love columbo
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.