Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Beauty and the Beast
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything