son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
the way this pissed me off… 😭
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My guardian angel deserves a raise