“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.