The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.