me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.