*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Order here:
More here:
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*