People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You Might Also Like
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Not even remotely sorry.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.