my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
cyclists
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question